yeah
so i think i like this guy... but idk, well see
Wednesday
Tuesday
beep beep new imix
"CHILL OUT" by: various artists
put together by: brittany
here's the mixxie:
1. BOO- pinback
2. FROM OFF TO ON- the knife
3. SARAH- bat for lashes
4. WET AND RUSTING- menomena
5. ECLIPSE- winterpills
6. LOVER I DON'T HAVE TO LOVE- bright eyes
7. CHARMING THE FLAMES- fields
8. NUDE- radiohead
9. SHATTERED- the cranberries
10. ROCK CLASSICS- the knife
as monday came and went
well at the end of the night on monday, kalie still had not called me, so i had no choice but to call her. when i did, she was all "im so sorry i forgot to call you" and then she did not say anything, and i was like "SO??? what happened?" and she was like "oh yeah, haha hes dating someone" and then she hung up... ok???
Monday
mysterious CD from shelby
THE BLANK CD STORY
for my birthday, i received two mysterious CDs from shelby. im hating it because i have NO IDEA what the songs are called, its really extremely annoying.
for my birthday, i received two mysterious CDs from shelby. im hating it because i have NO IDEA what the songs are called, its really extremely annoying.
THE ZOE STORY
whatever, today zoe and i were talking about the funnies thing. i think im just going to give you an excerpt:
"her fingers were like little chinese elves (HER FINGERS WERE THE FUCKING ELVES)"
"i decided that if i really liked a guy and wanted to fuck him, i would"
"mr garza seems like an easily seduceable teacher"
"if you really wanted to pass for 23, to buy alcohol and the like, i would recommend wearing one of those hideous blue jean vests, paired with a sky blue cardigan"
it was great...
its monday... the most important day of my life, so far
so its monday... i cant wait to hear from kalie, i swear to god if i dont... i might just explode. EXPLODE!
but then again, i dont want to hear, what if its a no??? then what. then what?
Sunday
wow. wow. kiss and tell.
i am dying here.
DYING waiting for monday to come, the day that i usually dread.
i want kale to tell me what happens, with taylor.
just waiting for someone who might have the slightest bit of interest in me is killer. i just want a yes or no answer right away, instant gratification. i need it i get it (or so i wish).
what if he says no... well then i suppose it will go as follows:
me: so kale, what happened?
her: well he said he was interested in this other girl at our school, so its a no go.
me: why? whats so great about her
her: well shes blonde and tall, blue eyes, and super nice. she is working toward "saving the world" and is a dancer and cheerleader. she also enjoys writing, and listening to the same kind of indie music he does
me: but that sounds JUST LIKE ME! minus the blonde hair and all. so whats wrong with me?
her: he saw your picture and thinks you're fat
me: *crying* i cant believe this.
END SCENE
but then again, it could go very well, like this:
me: so kale, what happened?
her: IT WAS AWESOME! he totally wants to meet you, i think next weekend we are all gonna go to a movie at northpark!
me: REALLY? i thought he had a crush-ish-thing on some other girl at your school?
her: yeah but when i told him about you, and told him how pretty, and tall and gorgeous you were he was all over it. then he found out about all of your common interests, and music taste!
me: OH GOD! this is so exciting, i CANT WAIT!
END SCENE
but then again, even if he says yes, the first time i meet him could be really bad... like:
me: hey...
him: um, hey *disgusted look*
me: so what movie are we seein?
kale: i was thinking we could see _____.
him: um that sounds... ok
me: yeah sure, i dont care
him: well, im gonna go to the bathroom *then never returns*
me: *crying*
kale: im sure its... ok
END SCENE
or it could go really great, like:
him: hey *looks intrigued and excited*
me: hey taylor
kale: so what movie do you guys wanna see?
me/ him: *at same time* oh i really wanted to see _____!
me/ him: *at same time* ha ha ha!
kale: well i guess thats what we'll see
-later (inside the movie)-
movive lines: jdjalshflkjkljg lskdjflkjsd fkd kdf kmkrjt skdjflsd fkdjf tkrkjojdlfj sdkfjlsdjkfjkdkfjksd fkjsldjfjdkf
him: *grabs my hand*
me: *totally enjoys is*
kale: *nervous giggle* hey guys, im gonna go to the bathroom
him: *takes cue* *leans in to kiss me*
me: *kisses back* *OMG*
END SCENE
or maybe im just really over thinking it because im nervous, or maybe im under thinking it... because i really secretly wonder why i never have any guys who like me
whatever.
SEXY NEW PICS FROM THE BIRTHDAY PARTY, PS: im the one in the NEON yellow/green shirt, and the forest green sophies (SEXAYY)
upside DOWN much?
beer... mmm?
me! being, well, me
did we really take this? not ready!!!
bday partay turnout
the turnout was good... it was fun, however some people seemed to have forgotten that it was not THEIR party, but mine. they were being all mean about the group they got put with for the scavenger hunt, and shit like that. DRAMA, whatever. i got a lot of gift cards, and yesterday i went mega shopping. i also got a really cute shirt from my momma, and $100, so i went to the juicy store and got a new pair of sweats, and then i also got these really cute hair clips from the store. it was great. i still have my $30 target gift card and my apple store gift card, meaning more shopping today. so yesterday (being saturday) i went to kalie's house, her pool is finished, and her momma heated up the pool. we went swimming, and i got hit on by her 12 yr old cousin, it was funny. i also talked to her suicidal BF, and she attempted to set me up with some guy. apparently we have a lot in common, and i really wanna meet him, but he is also kinda an ass. so idk, we'll see what happens. but then again, i really really really want to meet him, but kalie cant talk on the fucking phone, because she "sounds retarted" but it shouldnt matter what she sounds like, i mean she said he was her "friend" whatever, im not buying it... i doubt that theyre really friends, but i REALLY would totally LOVE to meet him... it could be quite entertaining. cant wait...
im also really bugged cause shelby gave me two bday cds, but the names didnt show up, so i cannot find out who they are by or what they are called. all i know is Track 01- Track 31... great, that helps. not really
more on this subject and others later
i wanna meet that guy... his name was Taylor... mm, interesting
Thursday
at school... again
well tomorrow is my birthday, and my party. i have no idea what i am getting, and usually i do. so i have break, and then history, then lunch, chemistry, then lastly chinese. im not looking forward to anything after lunch, i just want it to be tomorrow already. i also cant wait until i go with shelby next time. that should be fun, i think she is finally taking me seriously. whatever, its all good... except for crissy and laura, theyre pissing me off. oh well ill figure something out.
Wednesday
so i finally told someone
i finally told shelby my big big conspiracy secret. it feels good, but then again, i guess i can NEVER fight with her again. i dont know what to think, but i think im gonna go with her next time, should be fun.
Monday
and shelby wont return my email, and i need to talk to someone besides this goddamn blog, i just wanna shoot myself, i hate this, and i hate him, and i hate her for being an IDIOT! SHES BEING A FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING STUPID SHIT BALL FUCKING IDIOT
doesnt she realize that shes just a quest for him
he falls madly in love with girls, and then moves on the next week
oh and not to mention earlier this year he dated one of crissys really good friends,
she pissing my the fuck off
i want to kill him
my "best friend" (not shelby) is going out, or about to, with her BFFFFFFFFFFFFF ian well ian is an ass hole, and she doesnt realize it because she is "blinded by loooooooove" welll FUCK THAT. hes such an ass and all "popular" he used to be cool, and my friend, but now he hates me for no reason, and treats me like shit, and i mean i get that she likes him, but um, HELLO what about her best friend, DOES SHE GIVE A SHIT THAT HE IS HORIBBLY MEAN TO ME?! and omg i read the convo, it was so cheesy and hollywood like: "but seriously i could make a huge list of all the things you do that make my life every single day" and "everytime you walk into a room its just like the sun has come out after a rainy day" well who fucking cares! he even told her that he felt up this girl on sunday. i really love cris and all, but i think she like "needs" someone, or some shit. whatever, im really disappointed with her, and angry because i kno that i will soon b pushed aside, and then when they break up, shes gonna NEED ME. well boo fucking hoo
i wont be there
BAT FOR LASHES
i got their album: fur and gold, the first few months into school, but i just really got into it about a month ago. so ive decided my two favorite songs are: What's a Girl to do? and Sarah. these songs are great. i also love Shattered by the Cranberries. mm mm mm, delicious!
well thats about it, although i am getting really close with shelby, and i love it. i really like her, and even though we might handle our problems like polar opposites, and we have totally different home lives, we have so much in common. she makes me feel good about myself somehow, i guess because shes so real. like, example, she has never told any of our friends that they look pretty. but two times this year she has told me that i look really pretty. and so now its like, um who cares if she thought you looked pretty. but its different because my other friends are always like "you look so cute" *smile* but when she says it it means something, because she never says it! so yeah, its nice
._.
MY BIRTHDAY
my birthday is on friday! whoo hoo! i am having a birthday party with like 10 of my closets friends, im pretty excited.
Tuesday
if movies were money then id be pretty damn rich
besides the OBVIOUS fact that movies are practically money... there is another way in interpret the meaning of my title. though movies cost millions of dollars to make, they bring in many more millions in the box office. but imagine a world where you do not pay to see a movie, with "famous" people who waste their lives away by doing drugs and other expensive alcohols. however, it is exactly the opposite, and these lowlife celebrities value the people as they value food (well some of them anyway) and they would actually pay yes PAY you to see their movies. they no longer make millions with their "talents" that they posses. however they beg you just to spend your hours throughout the day watching them waste their lives on the movie screen.
this would be the ideal way to do things, this just makes sense. i mean WHY do we use our hard earned money paying to see movies that are not that good anyway. and beyond that, why in the hell do we pay for their luxurious living!? do they deserve it!? NO THEY DO NOT, i mean just look at britney spears, like hell she doesnt deserve what she has. i could think of a lot of homeless starving single mothers who deserve her wealth more than here.
PS: celebrities and all the god damn gossip pisses me the fuck off
except for Matt Dylan... and possibly a few others who do deserve the money that they have
but other than that... to hell with paris hilton... bitch
Monday
if they made black stickie notes
then the world would be coming to an end. everybody is looking for the "sign of the apocalypse" who gives a shit? no one can really know that the earth is going to end "Christmas day of 2011" even if your "god" tells you so. i mean why even believe in a god... its not like we're stupid anymore. we don't need a reason for our being... i mean how can you believe something that was created by the ideas of people (when they were really stupid). now we have proved evolution, so why isn't everyone on board? simple: PEOPLE ARE AFRAID, of change of the realization that everything they have believed in for hundreds and hundreds of years could actually be wrong. i mean how realistic is it that some guy (or girl) is sitting up above the earth actually giving a shit about anyone. and i mean think of how mean god is. and not even the Christian god (however i hate him the most... for a number of reasons, but mostly because he has caused so many problems, or the idea of him has caused so many problems). another problem with all of these religions is the fact that there are so many. if there really was a god, wouldn't he want all of his "people" to believe in him, and only him?? i mean it only makes logical sense. and another HUGE flaw, especially in the Christian religion, is all of the different branches of the religion, and the different ways in which the bible was written. if it was such a sacred text, put together by "gods people", then why in the hell are people going about and changing it... another part of religion that really REALLY makes me wanna just lock all the god damn evil religious people up in a room is this: they use their religion as a reason to be able to kill other people: jewish, black, Muslim, etc. its totally evil, and that shows as HUGE problem in religion. another part that really gets me, and i think this may be my last point for the day... or maybe not, is the fact that those really really super duper religious people (you know who im talking about) tend to only focus on the "after life" but think that the life on earth doesn't matter because once they die, they'll be in a better place. two flaws with that: 1. um HELLO! what if there is no after life. then what are you going to do?? you would have wasted your whole life trying to get somewhere that doesn't exist!!! 2. think realistically here, if there really was a god, then do you think he would waste his time, hmm, i don't know, CREATING THE EARTH if it was so "unimportant"? i don't think so.
so truthfully, all the religious people need to take a step back, and THINK ABOUT IT
and lastly, i do not understand why some people (my mother *cough cough*) feel the need to tell me/ other atheists that we should not be so "public" about our views because it might "offend some people". well SCREW YOU! i hope i do indeed offend some people, because if i recall religion has offended a great deal of people in the past.
lets think about this.
Sunday
its the sound of revolution in the bedroom
but you can tell theres nothing doing
cause were hiding in the staircase
my love my life my pictures
these are mine, dont take them dont pass them off as your own... DONT BE AN ASS HOLE. these are here for me, and the other strange people who read this... but not for you.
beautiful.artistic.genius.me.
as i am faced with many a choices
as i sit here today, i picture the amounts of nobody who actually care enough to read this. sure the occasional by passer might stop in for a peak, but then realize shortly after that there is absolutely no point... and they move along. i wish someone actually cares what i had to say, about the issues, maybe, about my friends, i guess, about me... yes. if someone cared enough to READ THIS then maybe i would not be here writing, because i would be out with the people who cared enough to read.
but that was just my anger exploding :/
now i feel ... better?
crazyy crazyy crazy crazy crazy.
anyway, i cant think with all of these words, i cant even remember where i was going with this... im just going to have to start a new post.
damn.
but that was just my anger exploding :/
now i feel ... better?
crazyy crazyy crazy crazy crazy.
anyway, i cant think with all of these words, i cant even remember where i was going with this... im just going to have to start a new post.
damn.
so tired, and so bored
i am so tired, and my throat hurts so bad... ive been in my bed the whole weekend, and i do not want to go to school tomorrow. i have so much makeup work to do today, but i am so tired i feel like i cannot do anything. i just lay in bed and wish that i was dead. i mean i would rather be at school and feel good, than be here and feel like shit. i missed my friends birthday party yesterday, and ballet, and i just want to have a life. then again the other thing i want to do is just sleep all the time. sleep and not eat, and then drink tea so that my throat will feel better. but its weird, sometimes my throat doesnt hurt at all, and then other times it hurts so bad i cannot even swallow or anything. so i feel like i could just sit here all day and type to no one because no one reads this, but then again id like to keep it that way. its nice to know that no one is seeing this, and i dont have to impress anyone, or filter what i say. and yesterday i had this weird dream, but the funny thing is, until this very moment right now that im typing, i didnt realize it was a dream, for all of yesterday i was thinking it happened. or did it happen. oh my god, i cant remember if it was a dream or not. well the dream was like this:
this guy that i used to like, but dont like anymore, sits across from me in chinese. and i always look in that direction because it just happens to be in the way that i face. and in this "dream" (but i cant remember if it was a dream or not) he yelled at me (i think it was on aim) and told me to stop looking at him, and that i should pay attention to the teacher, and stop listening to my ipod. but that right there proves that it is a dream, because i dont listen to my ipod in class. ok so im good... cause i really couldnt remeber if that was a dream or not. fewwf. but anyway, this whole situation is very stressful, and im really bored of being trapped in my room, but im way way way too tired to get out. however yesterday i went on a short walk in my neighborhood with my mom. and then we went to go and see the movie Penelope, but i was so tired when we got home, and i didnt get to go to bed unil 10, which is late... because since ive been sick ive been going to bed at like 8, and i like it that way. and then i dont wake up until like 10 am the next day.
Saturday
Tuesday
sitting and waiting
im just sitting outside of the chinese room waiting for class to start, dreading the quiz for today. i tried to study, unsuccessfully, through break and lunch. luckily im still not hungry, but i have to stay at school until 4:20, and its only 2:38 right now. i think the class is about to end, so i can go in and listen to my ipod. lately i havent been doing much of anything at school. just studying at break, and not eating lunch, and studying instead of lunch. right now im sick, and i think i might have strep. but then again it could just be from allergies, because ive been soo stuffed up, and draining and shit. i just want to not be sick anymore... and right on time, the class is over, in i go.
Thursday
if i have to write something, does it have to be good?
i feel a commitment to this noncommittal blog. i have to write something everyday... but it also helps to keep me in check. and by keep me in check, im trying to say that it keeps me occupied, and from eating food. i should stop eating food... i mean stop snacking (but i would never skip meals). how did i get from the topic of feeling obligated to write in this, to talking about my eating habits. i must have some issues, because today (after an "exciting" six hours of cleaning kitchens at interfaith for community service) i came home, and felt the need to clean my own kitchen, for TWO HOURS. im telling you, i could think of a million better ways to spend two hours on my thursday night, but for some unknown reason, i wanted to do that. hmm, i still have not figured out why i did that. but it made my famfam really happy! but now im all bleachy, but too lazy to take a shower... if i was more energetic i would be in the shower right now. but im not, so its ok.
Tuesday
day by day they are slowly disappearing like socks in a washing machine
and it is true... where does my life go, especially when it is on a leash tied tightly to my waste. i wish i weren't lost... i wish someone believed that i was lost, and most of all: if i cannot be freed from this state of confusion and lostness, i wish the one person who believed me would
save me
illegally sitting by the fire
pondering my thoughts, while sitting by the candles i am illegally burning in my room. ooh, scary. they're so relaxing, and the sweet aromas that come from their melting wax make it so hard to resist the sweet temptation. so i burn them, and then my "over protective parents" ask me what smells like its burning.
"oh mom, thats nothing... just my incense thats on my table"
whatever, they all secretly know that i am doing it, and it totally doesnt bother me... we're both happy.
but on another note, im doing GREAT in math, until i got my exam back
i got a D+... which is strange, because that sounds like it should be my chemistry grade. so far, the only grade i am happy with is history
maybe if i grew up in China i would have learned some damn self discipline, and tried harder. fuck
is it just me, or is EVERYTHING "bad" these days?
everything in the whole world is illegal or some shit. while i agree that there should be SOME restraints, why would you make EVERYTHING illegal? drugs, should not be illegal (everyone does it anyway), i mean if YOU wanna screw up your life, who gives a fuck. you have a problem, fine, go die. WHY SHOULD THEY MAKE KILLING YOURSELF ILLEGAL? oh my god, how much freedom do we really have? if you wanna off yourself, why the hell not. if you are not taking others down with you, then hell... do it. sure its a really selfish annoying thing to do to the others around you... but if you are willing to accept that then DO IT.
this is just how i feel
a simple story of my life
what must i do to get a drink in this place? what MUST i do to get what i want? should i really have to do anything? i mean all that really wonders me is why. why do i have to beg and plead and sell myself to get what i want. the things i do for freedom. every ounce of person that is inside of me must be sold to someone else. yesterday i got in a big, big, fight with my dad... which is strange because i never fight with him. and then when i was doing my math homework, my mom came in and started yelling at me for fighting with him because: the company is doing well, and hes worried about what will happen to the family, and blah blah blah. so im sitting there doing my math homework after she leaves... feeling very stressed out about school, and the homework, and if im gonna have to go to a *shiver* public school (after ive been at a private school for 11 years), and if we will have to leave our house. so im sitting there with my sharp pencil... and i start to scratch at the skin right under my wrist. but not enough to do anything life changing or horrible. so then i realize that it feels kinda good... so then i do it some more until i bleed, but only a LITTLE. but dont worry i stopped. and now im done, it hurts a little, but i washed it with soap and water and shit. so now im all ashamed, and i dont know what to do with myself. ive only told one of my friends, and i have no idea how to tell my best friend. because she used to do this, and she thinks im all happy and shit; and shell either say: 1. u dont have any real reason to do this, and you just want attention. or 2. she will turn this around on her, and be all "you think you have more problems than me? well i think we should be worried about me." and not that that is a problem, cause i mean she does have more issues than me, but i just wish that she could be more considerate to my feelings. ah, fuck... i guess i dont know what to do. and its scary because it felt SO good to do what i did, but i know that i shouldnt do it anymore... when i really want to. but i cant. i just cant.
waiting until the sun ignites
just put yourself in my shoes, just see that i do what i do because i do.
everything is simple as can be, and i do everything because it has a purpose to me, while it may still prove unimportant to you. i do not follow the path which others have carefully carved out for me, complete with elaborate stone pathways and all. i cannot accept the lofty, luxurious way through life, because at the end of your run... it will all have proved useless.
so put yourself in my shoes, just see that i do what i do because i want to.
Monday
i do it forward but i dont wake up, i do it backwards but i dont wake up
home
home
home... is starting to feel less like home, and more like
jail
jail
jail... and its making school feel more like
heaven.
i mean, people always tell you that money does not make you happy. now i can agree with that, the money itself cannot comfort you, or make you feel good. but the things that money DOES will make you happy, or make it easier to be happy. and without money, what are you... poor and starving on the streets? well gee, i think in that situation many people would agree that money does indeed make you quite happy.
school... is like being trapped in a dark box, but it sometimes proves entertaining
our little smart asian friend! (being the one behind the tissue)
we're all lame private school kids with macs :)
except for her!
cuties :)
helloooo, im on the phone, THE ALEX PHONE
aw, im sick today
look how CUTE we are!!!
sometimes i wish this girl was my sister :)ENJOY THESE PICS OF MY SCHOOL LIBRARY, AND MY [NONEXISTENT] FRIENDS!
look how pretty the window is!I LOVE SCHOOL, well not really... but hour long breaks are better than chemistry!
Saturday
too many unimportant problems
EVERYONE is freaking out. about EVERYTHING!
sadies, eachother, other people, what other people think, what eachother think.... WHY DO WE CARE!!! if you know who you are then why does it matter what your friends or random shitty people think... thats right, it doesnt.
and then I DONT CARE, and every fucking person is all: you're SO inconciderate. WELL PARDON ME! i dont give a shit what other people think, and now you hate me. great!!!
Friday
sitting in the candle light
sitting in my room... no lights... just three candles burning by my computer.
no sounds, but the shins, and the postal service playing loudly by my ear
this
is
heaven.
Thursday
a few things that i love
love animal collectives, they speak my language
its like a crazy mish mosh of words and sounds that combine together to make an explosion of wonderfulness in your ear.
the shins are great... if you want to get inside my head, listen to
Turn On Me, it is so amazing
it just wraps you up in this semi upbeat tune, but you cannot tell weather they are going in the depressive mode (with the lyrics) or if they really want to cover it up with amazing tunes that brighten your aura.
then you have winterpills, which is really a mainstream indie, but you have some folk going on.
the song Eclipse... strange
not the strangest, but just put it on repeat and sit there, and you forget everything and then you forget where you are
and lastly, the knife
we share our mothers health, the beginning is creepy, if you are alone in your room
at night, but then the beat stars, and all you want to do is get up and dance... or sit there and bounce
the layers just build until there is so much sound that the only thing
to do is just sit
an listen while the noise kindles you in its smooth arms
telling a story.
ocean of confusiality
life is more than just a shallow ocean of enjoyment, much more, in fact. the boat protects us, just as our parents watched over our innocence (as that is the only purity left in this world). once the boat breaks apart, we are left to swim in the ocean.
i represent the man standing outside of the boat. my innocence has been destroyed; however im am still to afraid to leave shore for the ocean. the unfamiliar, mystifying world of an adolescent.
realizing the complexity of my existence, baffles my wildest ideas. attacking life one step at a time, seems to fast for me to even comprehend. speaking-breathing-BEING. the simplest of things become too bewildering for me to even handle.
thus, the conclusion is simple: surround yourself with music, love, and excitement
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