day by day they are slowly disappearing like socks in a washing machine

and it is true... where does my life go, especially when it is on a leash tied tightly to my waste. i wish i weren't lost... i wish someone believed that i was lost, and most of all: if i cannot be freed from this state of confusion and lostness, i wish the one person who believed me would

save me

illegally sitting by the fire

pondering my thoughts, while sitting by the candles i am illegally burning in my room. ooh, scary. they're so relaxing, and the sweet aromas that come from their melting wax make it so hard to resist the sweet temptation. so i burn them, and then my "over protective parents" ask me what smells like its burning.
"oh mom, thats nothing... just my incense thats on my table"
whatever, they all secretly know that i am doing it, and it totally doesnt bother me... we're both happy.

but on another note, im doing GREAT in math, until i got my exam back
i got a D+... which is strange, because that sounds like it should be my chemistry grade. so far, the only grade i am happy with is history

maybe if i grew up in China i would have learned some damn self discipline, and tried harder. fuck

is it just me, or is EVERYTHING "bad" these days?

everything in the whole world is illegal or some shit. while i agree that there should be SOME restraints, why would you make EVERYTHING illegal? drugs, should not be illegal (everyone does it anyway), i mean if YOU wanna screw up your life, who gives a fuck. you have a problem, fine, go die. WHY SHOULD THEY MAKE KILLING YOURSELF ILLEGAL? oh my god, how much freedom do we really have? if you wanna off yourself, why the hell not. if you are not taking others down with you, then hell... do it. sure its a really selfish annoying thing to do to the others around you... but if you are willing to accept that then DO IT.

this is just how i feel

never supposed to tell. ever.

and i still cant tell... so i wont

a simple story of my life

what must i do to get a drink in this place? what MUST i do to get what i want? should i really have to do anything? i mean all that really wonders me is why. why do i have to beg and plead and sell myself to get what i want. the things i do for freedom. every ounce of person that is inside of me must be sold to someone else. yesterday i got in a big, big, fight with my dad... which is strange because i never fight with him. and then when i was doing my math homework, my mom came in and started yelling at me for fighting with him because: the company is doing well, and hes worried about what will happen to the family, and blah blah blah. so im sitting there doing my math homework after she leaves... feeling very stressed out about school, and the homework, and if im gonna have to go to a *shiver* public school (after ive been at a private school for 11 years), and if we will have to leave our house. so im sitting there with my sharp pencil... and i start to scratch at the skin right under my wrist. but not enough to do anything life changing or horrible. so then i realize that it feels kinda good... so then i do it some more until i bleed, but only a LITTLE. but dont worry i stopped. and now im done, it hurts a little, but i washed it with soap and water and shit. so now im all ashamed, and i dont know what to do with myself. ive only told one of my friends, and i have no idea how to tell my best friend. because she used to do this, and she thinks im all happy and shit; and shell either say: 1. u dont have any real reason to do this, and you just want attention. or 2. she will turn this around on her, and be all "you think you have more problems than me? well i think we should be worried about me." and not that that is a problem, cause i mean she does have more issues than me, but i just wish that she could be more considerate to my feelings. ah, fuck... i guess i dont know what to do. and its scary because it felt SO good to do what i did, but i know that i shouldnt do it anymore... when i really want to. but i cant. i just cant.

waiting until the sun ignites

just put yourself in my shoes, just see that i do what i do because i do.

everything is simple as can be, and i do everything because it has a purpose to me, while it may still prove unimportant to you. i do not follow the path which others have carefully carved out for me, complete with elaborate stone pathways and all. i cannot accept the lofty, luxurious way through life, because at the end of your run... it will all have proved useless.

so put yourself in my shoes, just see that i do what i do because i want to.